From The Onion, Drinking Responsibly During The Holidays.
Some of my favorites:
* If you are a woman, remember: Women are more sensitive to the effects of alcohol. If you are a man, remember: Women are more sensitive to the effects of alcohol.
* Drinking alone is a telltale sign that you know better than to put up with anybody's bullshit.
* If someone you know is too drunk to drive, demand that he let you have his car keys. If he refuses, pull out a gun and demand the car keys again. This also works with people who are not drunk, and whom you do not know.
* If you suddenly find yourself impaired by alcohol, prevent any social awkwardness by informing all those present that you profoundly love them, and that you never get this drunk.
* Never use alcohol to escape feelings of failure and loneliness. Use Vicodin.
Reminds me of P.J. O'Rourke, and this essay that Phil Hartman wrote a couple of years back. I wish to god I had a copy of this essay, it was super-funny. Something like "Phil Hartman's Guide to Office Parties". But yeah, a combination of those two authors... (link via miscellaneous heathen)
some excerpts from Phil Hartmen's Guide to Office Parites
"Choice of Drink - I recommend Scotch because of its extraordinary properties. It makes you loud and shockingly uninhibited, true, but don't forget that it also makes you more handsome, triples your wit and gives you the power to read minds."
"I was a child of the sixties - I've done it all - but I think scotch is the perfect nothing-makes-you-smarter drink. It's psychedelic too. You really feel like you can see through walls and you could have a flashback to the days of love-ins"
"The best way to snake someone's woman is to find that brief moment when you can sidle up to her. You don't have to speak to her directly-just get within her auditory range while he's distracted. For example, I like to back up to a woman, pretend I'm talking to somebody else and then say something that would be embarrassing to your rival, like "Gee, Jerry's transplant looks great" or "Jerry's calf implants are wonderful. If I had skinny calves I'd do that too." Those kind of comments work on a woman's mind in subtle ways.
Look for the married guy who takes off his wedding ring when he attends a party. I always keep a pocketful of wedding rings. When the married guy is
hovering over some delectable creature walk up with a wedding ring and say "Jerry, I found this on the washbasin. Is it yours?"
"It's always great to carry a mistletoe harness. You can make one with a coat hanger. It goes around your neck and up the back and hangs over your head. When a worthy target presents itself you can slip it on and say "Oh look where we are!"
"Making out on the sofa where the coats and bags have been thrown is absolutely proper. Its easy to go through wallets - not with the intent of stealing anything but to learn which neighborhoods people live in and who might be worth getting to know. Look for country club cards, who has a gold card, who doesn't. Sometimes a frequent flyer card means a cheap companion
ticket."
Comments
BradKnapp
some excerpts from Phil Hartmen's Guide to Office Parites
"Choice of Drink - I recommend Scotch because of its extraordinary properties. It makes you loud and shockingly uninhibited, true, but don't forget that it also makes you more handsome, triples your wit and gives you the power to read minds."
"I was a child of the sixties - I've done it all - but I think scotch is the perfect nothing-makes-you-smarter drink. It's psychedelic too. You really feel like you can see through walls and you could have a flashback to the days of love-ins"
"The best way to snake someone's woman is to find that brief moment when you can sidle up to her. You don't have to speak to her directly-just get within her auditory range while he's distracted. For example, I like to back up to a woman, pretend I'm talking to somebody else and then say something that would be embarrassing to your rival, like "Gee, Jerry's transplant looks great" or "Jerry's calf implants are wonderful. If I had skinny calves I'd do that too." Those kind of comments work on a woman's mind in subtle ways.
Look for the married guy who takes off his wedding ring when he attends a party. I always keep a pocketful of wedding rings. When the married guy is
hovering over some delectable creature walk up with a wedding ring and say "Jerry, I found this on the washbasin. Is it yours?"
"It's always great to carry a mistletoe harness. You can make one with a coat hanger. It goes around your neck and up the back and hangs over your head. When a worthy target presents itself you can slip it on and say "Oh look where we are!"
"Making out on the sofa where the coats and bags have been thrown is absolutely proper. Its easy to go through wallets - not with the intent of stealing anything but to learn which neighborhoods people live in and who might be worth getting to know. Look for country club cards, who has a gold card, who doesn't. Sometimes a frequent flyer card means a cheap companion
ticket."
Posted by: BradKnapp | December 22, 2003 04:51 PM
Tony
Yes, that's the article. I love that Guide. Do you have an electronic copy of that guide?
Posted by: Tony | December 23, 2003 09:13 AM